June 2007- Los Angeles
Checks!!
That’s what they do, the nurses, every twenty minutes “checks” you’re in the shower and “checks” what is with them? They stick their beady eyes around the corner and “checks” and then head counts. I decided that if I was in a “nut house” I might as well act like a nut case. I sat beneath the nurses’ station and barked and I refused to get up
BARK!!
Oh, that’s fun! I began to wonder what I could do…..something, anything I could control….
all my rights had been taken away. Meds had frozen my brain and numbed my thoughts, All I did was BARK, DROOL, and cut my skin. I understood the barking….and the skin cutting was a necessity, it kept me alive inside, let me feel.
Hmmm I wondered how long I could hold my bowels. What if I lost control of my bowels and it was everywhere, would anybody even notice? Let alone help me clean up? I think I will try that tomorrow.
BARK
DROOL
“CHECKS”
This place stinks!
A commotion!
A man was thrown into the quiet room because he refused to take his meds, the rest of us were led outside to “exercise” what a crock of shit! We all went out to smoke…..we lined up single file to get our cigarettes lit, oh… god forbid they trust us with a lighter for half of a second. The “exercise” yard was concrete with huge cages up the sides and even over the tops of us; a lovely chain link ceiling. We were allowed outside every two hours for 20 minutes, but not until we were lightly frisked first. The rest of the time was spent in the lounge which consisted of an orange couch repaired ever so lovingly with duct tape and a giant braided rug on the floor with many different shades of brown and rust. There was a TV mounted on the corner wall which was always stuck on a fuzzy strange channel and the volume was incredibly high. Truly that room was a Smörgåsbord for the eyes. At six pm we had “food” I cannot elaborate because my mind has erased that miserable memory of rubber stuff that you were supposed to chew and swallow which was intended to fill your stomach.
Anyway…..
We then we were shuffled back to our rooms, Men on the right women on the left, lightly frisked again and then allowed through a steel door that locked behind each patient only to be re-opened again for the next. My roommates were an interesting mix of large women, except for “K” the suicidal anorexic that walked around naked, slept naked, worked out naked, she did EVERYTHING naked!
7:15 “Checks”
Shit those nurses were driving me crazy. I tried to write, I tried to read….my mind a wandering, mangled up, soupy, slushy mess! Cutting is good, keeps me focused.
8:00 pm “Checks”
Another roommate, for lack of creativity, we’ll just call her Sally. She cut her whole finger off! We sat cross legged on the floor and looked at it. She pushed it towards me with her bloody stump, what’s strange to me is that I picked it up and examined it, Even stranger, was her lack of pain or shock. The meds really did a job on her. The sad thing was that she was very smart, a med student who just couldn't’t take anymore and ended up sitting crossed legged with a barking, drooling, idiot who examined her chopped off extremity. I think I liked “Sally”
8:20 pm “checks”
Four roommates in a small room, all of us equally disturbed, in one way or another. “Sally, “K” “myself and the “other “ we were all there for our own reasons, we barked, we drooled, we walked around naked, we cut off our extremities and we wondered if we had bones under our elephant style skin. Yes, we were different but we were all quite the same sharing a small space in time.
