The full moon, my period and death

8:02 pm
I finally got my period, thank god because this crying bullshit
and never ending thoughts of death are really cutting into my nearly
non- existent social life...

I honestly don't know how anybody even deals with me anymore.

So, now I am almost five pounds heavier than I was last week, I have blood running down my legs onto the beautifully just mopped wooden floor which has a width of precisely 84 planks and the length varies between 137 planks to 138....

Which makes absolutely no sense to me.

Perhaps I should just blame this day on the full moon.

My big fat swollen eyes

Last night I cried for a few hours, it felt good... I mean it felt fucking fantastic!

But when I woke up today my eyes were so swollen from all the crying that I had to go to my kids soccer games with huge sunglasses and a hat.

Oh, I cheered like a good mother, but my mind wandered to a time when my boobs were undeveloped and I lacked any hair on my private parts. I remembered a time
when I doubted if I had bones and I cut my skin, just to make sure I had bones.

I wonder if I have bones
A sharp edge
Pushing …
Against my elephant skin
Blood
Yes, there it is… the blood
Red…
Warm…
Alive…
Pushing harder
Where are the bones?
Pushing harder….
A compulsion

**I found the above in a shoebox of stuff I had written during middle school

To pee or not to pee

I decided that today was the perfect day to see how long I could go without peeing
It took five hours and 11 minutes until I wet myself

That is a new record for me
I am pleased.

April 17th, 8:02 pm

I have an un-ending amount of questions today.

I have counted the wooden planks of the floor of this old house
I find that no matter how many times I have counted them... the number is always different
And...
It's driving me nuts
It's the OCD
Last time this happened I woke up shackeled to a hospital bed and forced to pee into a urinal.
I'm scared

April 17th, 2008 cont.....

Yep, I didn't make it to work today
However, I did manage to visit my grandma in the hospital
I am debating where to start...

My story
Everything has been a gigantic cluster fuck in my life
Molested by the deen of students at 14
An abortion at 17
An abusive husband
Four kids
Loving parents
Three failed marriages
and now... an amazing boyfriend
Have a finally found peace?

We just had sex....
Sex is so important, and so confusing all at the same time....
Physically it's great, fantastic, and feels so good.

I still struggle though, that dark part of my head still feels guilt for enjoying it.
Sometimes it sucks to be me!

April 17th, 2008

I woke up this morning thinking about going to work...
I have managed to get by, jumping from one job to another
I seem to stumble, can't keep a job for too long

The freaking kids are driving me insane today, some days they don't bug me
but the constant fighting has the hair on my arms dancing...
I am feeling very irritable today.
I have to poo
I think I will claim food poisoning and skip work today...

April 16th...the Day After Taxes are Due

OOPS!
I fucked up again, I swore to myself that I would get my taxes done this year....
But I was just too damn pissed off at the world yesterday
So I got into my car and drove to the desert to collect rocks, what a freaking waste of time
These are the things I do...
I drive to the desert to collect rocks with only five dollars in my pocket
I have dogs to feed
A grandma in the hospital and
A teenager on the road

A knife in my pocket and a bucket full of rocks

This is my Bipolar life...sometimes it's great and sometimes it just SUCKS!!